Another Day Another Weird Mood

“I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on”

~Clint Eastwood – Gorillaz~

OK,  so if you have been a follower of my weird and sporadic blog ( I have a horrid habit of deleting posts) you will know I like to start each post off with a quote….whether that be high brow literature or fluffy indulgent pop music lyrics.   I always try to start with something that is currently in my mind/relevant to how I am feeling.

This evening…morning? (it’s 1.25am here in the UK) I am struggling to decide how to start.  I went for Gorillaz (putting aside whatever it may be about) as cancer and it’s treatment is featuring large in my mind at the moment.  I am rapidly approaching the “anniversary” (struggling for a better word) of my 4th chemo cycle.

I’ll quickly explain…  “I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad, I got sunshine in a bag, I’m useless but not for long, The future is coming on”…..  My first three chemos were delivered by a (super wonderful) nurse sitting next to me with a huge syringe of bright red liquid, slowly injected into my pic line…. The following three chemo doses were delivered via a bag (sorry if I am not being very technical) attached to a long pole.   Drip!  That’s the word.

Here’s a picture I did for my family (on Facebook, as I couldn’t be doing with talking too much at the time)….

Anyway… when my chemo was delivered via drip this song always kept popping into my head.   It felt like a bag of sunshine!  Yes, yes…so I felt like a bag of crap afterwards but during it, it was like a chance of life.   I know that sounds super over dramatic but it did.

I am so veering off of what I was originally going to talk about.

I don’t know, maybe this was a message “from above”???   Not sure I wholly believe in messages from above *  but please…if you have read this far…roll with me?

I’m just going to publish this hideous post.   I have not expressed what I wanted to – but hey-ho.

Rae x

*For those folk that send me “Christian” posts….
I am truly (heartfelt) glad that you have your faith, and I also feel “blessed” that you have taken the time to reach out to me.   But please stop.  Stop with attempting to guide me.  I have an unshakeable faith, it is just not yours.

Much love, Rae xx

 

A Melancholy Mood

“Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
All five horizons revolved around her soul as the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn”
Black ~ Pearl Jam

 

I have had a truly wonderful weekend but you really wouldn’t think so if you saw me now.   I have completely fallen between the cracks and I am sick of it.  They, whoever “they” are, say we should talk about our mental health.  So that’s what I’m doing.  Who knows maybe it will help.

The loneliness is always a crippler for me, but I don’t know how to change that.   So I kind of push that to the back of my mind and 90% of the time I can ignore it.  But sometimes, like now, that feeling grows elbows and shoves itself to the front and refuses to be ignored.  I try, I really do, I fill up hours with “stuff”… books, films, music, catching up with friends, online gaming with strangers, housework, all sorts.  So I’m hoping if I personify that feeling I can destroy it (?)  remove it (?)  just be rid of it.

So what does it look like?   I imagine it’s a blue colour, definitely “spikey”…lol not like Sonic the Hedgehog.   Kind of greasy, slimy, definitely sharp edged.  Probably like one of those burs that get caught on clothing when you stroll through the woods.  It no doubt can read minds and has a long memory.   The spiteful little bastard chucks “memories” out when you least want them just to add a spike to the pain.  Maybe it has tentacles too.   Something it can spread out….probing at your heart as well as your head.  Maybe even in to your stomach, causing pain, something to distract you but not quite enough to change the mood.

I suspect that when it gets comfortable, in the front of your mind, it stretches out one of those arms/tentacles and has a good rummage around in “the past” part of your mind.  Scoops up all those long forgotten smells, sounds, sensations and amplifies them so they fill up all your present senses, so “the now” has no choice but to stop and give them attention.  Makes you a little bit stupid, makes you want to reach out, make contact, even when it would not be mentally healthy to do so.

Maybe I should embrace and encourage this little monster as it pushes all the other crap out of the way when it arrives.   And I am so tired of all the other crap.

Arrggghhh.

I’m not a violent person but right now I am forming a cricket bat in my head and I’m going to give it a good swing.  Who knows, maybe it will work.   Worth a try, eh?

R xx

Bloody Experts!

“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!” 
― Mae West

I left the radio on when I fell asleep last night to wake up this morning to an interview with an “expert”.  Apparently there has been a medical study in France that suggests too much sugar increases a person’s risk of cancer.   And not just the sugar in fizzy drinks etc, but fruit juice.

Well thanks very much.

The nail biting started, common sense was screaming TURN THE RADIO OFF but I didn’t.  Oh no, I turned the volume up and listened…..

“But public health agencies say that fruit juices are a little bit better because they contain some vitamins and a little bit of fibre”

A LITTLE BIT BETTER??   How big is this little bit?  Have I now condemned myself to another bout of cancer by trying to live a more healthy life????

“The data was collected through a long-running nutrition survey in France, called NutriNet-Santé, involving 101,257 healthy French adults, 79% of whom were women.

Those taking part had completed at least two 24-hour online validated dietary questionnaires, designed to measure their usual intake of 3,300 food and beverage items, and were followed up for a maximum of nine years. Over that time, nearly 2,200 cases of cancer were diagnosed, including 693 breast cancers. They found that a 100ml increase in sugary drink consumption was associated with an 18% increased risk of overall cancer and a 22% increased risk of breast cancer.”

22%!!??

Do I add that 22% to whatever percent increase I already have of a recurrence?  Should I now start checking what remains of my chest on the hour every hour, daily?

I feel sick with worry.  I can’t go through it again.

It is already known that sugar in excess causes untold health issues why was another study required?   How much money was poured into that study?   And in my very honest opinion….would that money not have been better spent on services to support long term “survivors” of cancer?  Or research into the long term effects of cancer treatment?

Thankfully there are increasing numbers of people living beyond 5 years after a diagnosis of cancer but the research into the effects that such aggressive treatment (chemotherapy, radiotherapy, hormone therapy) has on a body and mind is limited.
Don’t get me wrong I will be forever grateful that I am “still here”, especially as I lost my Mum, sister and all of my aunts to this evil disease but the treatment has really taken its toll on me physically, and I know I am not alone.

Maybe the lesson to be learnt here (for me) is to make sure I turn the radio off before I go to sleep.

 

One of Those Days

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.”

~ Edna St.Vincent Millay ~ 

I haven’t had one of “those days” for quite a while now but today was spectacularly crap and I so wished I could pick up the phone and tell you all about it.   To be honest life has been spectacularly crap for a few months now and I just cannot see an end to it.  All my positivity and optimism seems to have well and truly “jogged on”.  I’m trying to take steps forward, trying to get myself upright again but it seems extra difficult at the moment.  I don’t mean to sound over dramatic but I just don’t seem to have the mental or physical energy to keep fighting the bastards.

I don’t know about Winston Churchill’s black dog, I feel like I have Cerberus breathing down my neck all the time.  I’m doing all the recommended things – taking the happy pills, waiting for a counselling appointment, writing it down, meditating but I just can’t seem to shake this unhappiness ~ and when days like this come along all I want to do is crawl under the duvet and stay there until someone comes along and tells me it’s all been sorted out.

I don’t want to live each day dreading tomorrow, it’s not fun, it’s bloody exhausting.

Hello You…

….Merry Christmas!

(Updated as I found a screenshot on my phone, lol, how it all began!)

It has been 9 months since you tempted and lured me into The Masters of Metal, with promises of naked band play and a robot, how could I have refused!

It might surprise you (in fact I don’t think you are going to believe me) but I am really quite a shy person, but over the years I have learnt the best way to deal with that affliction is to arrive everywhere with a fanfare and a very loud ‘TAH DAH!”…….And so I did 😉

It makes me smile, imagining you shaking your head, wondering “what the f**k have I done inviting this maniac into the crew?”  But in a very short period of time you and the crew made me feel very welcome, completely at home.  What a gift, to be accepted.  Thank you.

And you my friend have been the biggest surprise.

12 months ago if someone had said to me…. “this time next year you will count among your most trusted friends, a man 12 years your junior, who you haven’t met but who will become very important to you”  I would have directed them to the nearest drug rehab or psychiatrist!  What a completely mental idea!!!

Your support, thoughtfulness, occasional kick up the arse and the many, many laughs have kept me afloat in my darkest moments this year.  Thank you for coming into my life.

I wish you and your family a wonderful new year, I hope 2018 brings you all the very best of health, wealth and happiness.

Here’s to 2018!

 

 

 

 

A New Day

“The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not fighting the old, but on building the new.”

Socrates

West Bay, 2017

So much has changed.

For all of you that have walked beside me this past year I just wanted to say…

  I still worry about stuff, probably more than is necessary but I now feel more positive and optimistic about the future.  I really feel I am letting go of the past.  All the anger of the last year has gone.  And finally I am looking back with love, forgiveness and acceptance.

 I’m sorry I haven’t kept in touch as much as I should have, I will take more time to do so in the New Year.

Rae xx

All before 9am!

Next year I am going to be 50, so who would have thought I’d have so much fun before 9am on a Tuesday morning!

Although I have had this blog for a little over a year, it has only been this past couple of weeks that I have been “exploring”.  Why did I wait so long??

I have read some amazing blogs, covering everything from delicious food to travel bucket lists which have given me very itchy feet.

Very open, heartfelt blogs covering every human experience and emotion imaginable.

Some tremendous creative fiction writing.

Terrific advice to new bloggers from seasoned writers.

I’m thinking I may just book the day off so I can stay here reading!

My goal today is to learn how to link to other bloggers sites as everyone I have come across so far needs to be shared.

 

 

 

Facing Fears and Letting Go

“Once you realize you deserve a bright future, letting go of your dark past is the best choice you will ever make.” 

Roy T Bennett

I had a dream about my ex last night. We were sitting on a bench in a park, talking.  Not about anything in particular, just everything in general. But then I said something to him that really surprised me.

“When all this is finished just let go.  You don’t need to contact us.  Just let go.  Start anew.  Be happy.  Just let go.”

I imagine to most folk there is nothing odd about that, it seems like sound advice.  For me the “odd thing” was that we don’t keep unnecessarily in touch. We exchange very brief emails regarding the sale of the house.

I moved out a year ago and he is selling it.  But it is rapidly nearing completion and when the sale is complete we really will not have any reason to contact each other.  My son is an adult and can make contact if he choses.   He doesn’t need our intervention.

It was the ex’s decision to end our very long relationship, his wish that I move out, so has never shown any desire to hold on to the past.

I wonder if that dream was subconscious advice to myself?

Not long (only 4 months) after the end of that relationship I met a wonderful man.  Kind, sincere, caring.  And he did not seem in the least bit bothered that all I seemed to do was talk about my ex. And often he gave me some advice, or maybe more of an opinion….

“It takes two years.”

I thought that was nonsense.  I am really happy here, where I moved to, the wonderful people I have met.  I truly can’t remember a time when I have been as happy as I am now.  But now I am starting to think he was right.

Take this blog for example.  I started it February 2016.  The early posts I eventually set to be only viewable by me. They were vile. Full of vitriol.  I was so hurt, so angry, so confused at the time and the only outlet I felt I had was here. They were raw reactions to the situation I found myself in.  To be honest I think I am lucky I didn’t get into some kind of trouble.  I named people, put up pictures, I wanted revenge.  I wanted others to feel as much pain as I did. Certainly not my finest hours.

I changed their viewable status a few months after posting them.  I didn’t delete them.  I wanted to keep them, to be able to occasionally touch that raw nerve.  Revisit the pain.  But this morning when I woke up, with the dream in mind I deleted them.  And it feels really good.

This afternoon I’m going to the post office and will return the old house’s door keys to him.  I don’t need them.

I’m finally letting go.

 

 

 

Flying Kites in the Rain

“Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember”

L M Montgomery

It wasn’t our smartest idea flying kites in the rain, but it was lots of fun trying. Racing up and down the beach like kids, optimistic that the wind would finally lift them into the sky whilst all the time the fabric was getting heavier with rain and wet sand.

But we didn’t give in, and eventually our efforts were rewarded with both kites becoming airborne.

Maybe that memory should act as a metaphor for my life, sometimes the future looks impossible but with commitment, determination and faith I’ll get there.